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The Lean (for Alex)
Feb. 16th, 2004 05:23 pmThe Lean
Life taught me from an early age not to rely on anyone. Start to let your guard down and they will abandon you. Carry yourself, be strong, bear it all because no-one will be there for you when you need them. And so I grew fiercely independent, relying on nothing and no-one but myself. Competent, capable, breaking inside. A very lonely existence.
Then you came along. Persistent, patient, walking beside me through tumulus times. Still I would not relent. Still you stayed. Slowly, I came to believe in you, to share with you. You reached to help with the burdens I carried and I gave in – sharing a little of the load with you. And it felt good, to allow you in, to sacrifice a little of my independence. But still I was afraid, waiting for the disappointment, the dagger to come. When the anticipation grew too much I pushed at you, pummelled you to leave me, that I was bad for you, that it would all end in hurt, but you refused to leave me. You just kept pace beside me, through the good times and the bad.
And in the process, you showed me the heaviness of my burden. You showed me that the parts of a burden shared are easier to bear than the whole. And so I relinquished. I leant on you. I allowed you to hold me up, take some of the strain, and I grew used to the lightened load. So I gave you some more. Over time I grew to lean on you more and more, yet hating myself for my growing dependence, still lost in the contemplation of my own journey. I leant so much I was uncertain I could still stand on my own, and that uncertainty terrified me. My dependence became a new burden for me to bare, and in my instability I tried to tear myself away from you, rediscover my own centre of balance, alone.
And still you strode beside me. Stumbling, struggling with my load you were carrying. Uncomplaining, slowly losing ground, being dragged down by my weight while I stood on your shoulders to reach my own dreams.
One day I stopped, I noticed the strain in you and I looked afresh. I saw how far back you’d fallen and how much you were struggling, for you were carrying us both. My personal demons yoked to you. And I was sorry. So terribly guilt ridden apologetic. But to no avail, for what I failed to see due to my own introspection was that you needed me. It was time to take up my own burdens again, and just a little of yours as well, while you now traverse unstable ground. Now is time for you to lean on me, and if you can bring yourself to believe in me, I promise I’ll be there, I won’t run away. We’ll share the load and lean together (for a pyramid is more stable than a pillar) if you’ll stay with me along life’s road.
Life taught me from an early age not to rely on anyone. Start to let your guard down and they will abandon you. Carry yourself, be strong, bear it all because no-one will be there for you when you need them. And so I grew fiercely independent, relying on nothing and no-one but myself. Competent, capable, breaking inside. A very lonely existence.
Then you came along. Persistent, patient, walking beside me through tumulus times. Still I would not relent. Still you stayed. Slowly, I came to believe in you, to share with you. You reached to help with the burdens I carried and I gave in – sharing a little of the load with you. And it felt good, to allow you in, to sacrifice a little of my independence. But still I was afraid, waiting for the disappointment, the dagger to come. When the anticipation grew too much I pushed at you, pummelled you to leave me, that I was bad for you, that it would all end in hurt, but you refused to leave me. You just kept pace beside me, through the good times and the bad.
And in the process, you showed me the heaviness of my burden. You showed me that the parts of a burden shared are easier to bear than the whole. And so I relinquished. I leant on you. I allowed you to hold me up, take some of the strain, and I grew used to the lightened load. So I gave you some more. Over time I grew to lean on you more and more, yet hating myself for my growing dependence, still lost in the contemplation of my own journey. I leant so much I was uncertain I could still stand on my own, and that uncertainty terrified me. My dependence became a new burden for me to bare, and in my instability I tried to tear myself away from you, rediscover my own centre of balance, alone.
And still you strode beside me. Stumbling, struggling with my load you were carrying. Uncomplaining, slowly losing ground, being dragged down by my weight while I stood on your shoulders to reach my own dreams.
One day I stopped, I noticed the strain in you and I looked afresh. I saw how far back you’d fallen and how much you were struggling, for you were carrying us both. My personal demons yoked to you. And I was sorry. So terribly guilt ridden apologetic. But to no avail, for what I failed to see due to my own introspection was that you needed me. It was time to take up my own burdens again, and just a little of yours as well, while you now traverse unstable ground. Now is time for you to lean on me, and if you can bring yourself to believe in me, I promise I’ll be there, I won’t run away. We’ll share the load and lean together (for a pyramid is more stable than a pillar) if you’ll stay with me along life’s road.
