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Thinking out loud...
Dec. 8th, 2004 02:10 pmIt was brought to my awareness today that some people have been finding me aggressive, and even domineering, in work meetings, and it’s made me think…
The way I behave in such situations is largely shaped by experiences in high school and uni. I used to have fairly low self-confidence and be rather shy. As a result, my ideas and needs were often overlooked. I always felt like I got the raw end of the deal. To improve my confidence and ability to deal with these sorts of situations I did debating and a little public speaking, which helped, but I still found myself feeling shafted in group-projects. By the time 3rd year uni rolled around things had changed: I became the one to lead the group. This was in response to getting lower grades or having to do more than a fair share of the work so many times before. I now had the confidence to direct and delegate, and I guess I clung onto it out of fear of ending up back on the bottom of the pile.
Well perhaps I swung too far. I guess I seem pretty insistent that my opinion is correct. Not that I honestly believe that, but more because I’m so used to having to defend it. It’s not that I don’t listen to and evaluate other people’s suggestions and opinions; more that I don’t appear to, or that people feel I’m unapproachable or fixed. And it’s not the first time I’ve heard this: a previous housemate have told me I’m intimidating and they didn’t feel they could raise issues with me or question me. This really saddens me because I’m not like that. I learnt to be strong and forceful as a way to get things done, but I enjoy input from others and think debate is healthy. I do admit when I feel I’m wrong and I try to welcome new ideas and give credit where it’s due.
And I’m not a dismal failure at that. Friends and colleagues have reassured me when I’ve been concerned previously. I come across as confident and opinionated - and in many ways I am - but I am still open and enjoy being challenged. I guess from this I can conclude that certain personality types find me somewhat overbearing and closed, whilst others see me more like I see myself. But this means I still have a problem: I am still presenting myself in such away that some people regularly have difficulties dealing with me, both personally and professionally. I have even been told I sounded quite rude to a very superior wok figure (eep!). So what do I do about this? How do I learn what to tone down and when? Where does the line exist between being assertive and being aggressive?
I’m really glad my supervisor pulled me aside today to tell me, and wish he’d done it earlier, so I could try to correct the situation. But now is as good a time as any really – I just need to figure out how I’m coming across. I don’t want to swing too far back the other way and return to my old, submissive self. I thought I was self-aware enough to know how I was coming across, and maybe I am. Perhaps it’s just what I think is acceptable, polite debating is unacceptable to others. Then it is a matter of shifting my perspective, I guess, and of realising that all the years of being downtrodden helped me grow a thicker skin than others. The question remains though: how to I modify my behaviour to stop causing offence but still remain true to my ideals and goals?
The way I behave in such situations is largely shaped by experiences in high school and uni. I used to have fairly low self-confidence and be rather shy. As a result, my ideas and needs were often overlooked. I always felt like I got the raw end of the deal. To improve my confidence and ability to deal with these sorts of situations I did debating and a little public speaking, which helped, but I still found myself feeling shafted in group-projects. By the time 3rd year uni rolled around things had changed: I became the one to lead the group. This was in response to getting lower grades or having to do more than a fair share of the work so many times before. I now had the confidence to direct and delegate, and I guess I clung onto it out of fear of ending up back on the bottom of the pile.
Well perhaps I swung too far. I guess I seem pretty insistent that my opinion is correct. Not that I honestly believe that, but more because I’m so used to having to defend it. It’s not that I don’t listen to and evaluate other people’s suggestions and opinions; more that I don’t appear to, or that people feel I’m unapproachable or fixed. And it’s not the first time I’ve heard this: a previous housemate have told me I’m intimidating and they didn’t feel they could raise issues with me or question me. This really saddens me because I’m not like that. I learnt to be strong and forceful as a way to get things done, but I enjoy input from others and think debate is healthy. I do admit when I feel I’m wrong and I try to welcome new ideas and give credit where it’s due.
And I’m not a dismal failure at that. Friends and colleagues have reassured me when I’ve been concerned previously. I come across as confident and opinionated - and in many ways I am - but I am still open and enjoy being challenged. I guess from this I can conclude that certain personality types find me somewhat overbearing and closed, whilst others see me more like I see myself. But this means I still have a problem: I am still presenting myself in such away that some people regularly have difficulties dealing with me, both personally and professionally. I have even been told I sounded quite rude to a very superior wok figure (eep!). So what do I do about this? How do I learn what to tone down and when? Where does the line exist between being assertive and being aggressive?
I’m really glad my supervisor pulled me aside today to tell me, and wish he’d done it earlier, so I could try to correct the situation. But now is as good a time as any really – I just need to figure out how I’m coming across. I don’t want to swing too far back the other way and return to my old, submissive self. I thought I was self-aware enough to know how I was coming across, and maybe I am. Perhaps it’s just what I think is acceptable, polite debating is unacceptable to others. Then it is a matter of shifting my perspective, I guess, and of realising that all the years of being downtrodden helped me grow a thicker skin than others. The question remains though: how to I modify my behaviour to stop causing offence but still remain true to my ideals and goals?
