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Tired. Oh so very tired again today. I’ve not been sleeping properly for nearly two weeks and I can’t work out why. Today I’m a little too frazzled to do much. Sitting here at work staring at a document on the screen, my brain steadfastly refusing to digest the words before me. My own work is beyond my comprehension today and even coffee failed to deliver on its aromatic promises.
Grey again today, and humid. Stay-at-home weather for lazing in bed and pottering about the place. Still, when I did just that on Saturday I sank into a melancholy discontent. At least life is tinging green again after such prolonged dryness - 20 millimetres of pure life slowly seeping into the soils.
This morning I dressed to counter the washed-out world: purple shirt, rainbow silk ribbon in my hair and purple stripey-socks with rainbow toes. Taking my shoes off in the office to wiggle them about in gloved dismissal of propriety: Toni the toe-socked. Despite this many-hued enthusiasm I’m fading, longing to retire to home and the sanctity of my tangled sheets. Unmet commitments gnawing at my conscience – promised work not delivered after a weekend of distraction. I hate disappointing someone I respect so much, but I can’t seem to keep my priorities straight right now.
The last few weeks have traced treacherous grounds too close to where I’ve fallen for comfort. The Ouroboros serpent bites its tail yet, and I follow my own trail time and time again. Am I down because I’m not sleeping well? Is the not sleeping hormonal or because I’m down? Should I take the time out to investigate and search for answers, or is all this searching part of the problem and my energies better spent in doing? Still, for the most part I’m buoyant. Just confused. Mismatched signals from my body making me worry it’s tipped off balance again, but I’m reluctant to leap back on the merry-go-round of tinkered medications and blood tests that tell me I’m nothing if not a hypochondriac. Bollocks to that!
This flatness cannot continue forever, this sense of disconnection – detached observer of my self, separated from my physical needs and wants. This academic perspective leaves me feeling hollowed. Yet to sleep, to lift this fatigue of body and mind… this simplest of solutions could raise me up again, if only I could remember how to sleep soundly.
Grey again today, and humid. Stay-at-home weather for lazing in bed and pottering about the place. Still, when I did just that on Saturday I sank into a melancholy discontent. At least life is tinging green again after such prolonged dryness - 20 millimetres of pure life slowly seeping into the soils.
This morning I dressed to counter the washed-out world: purple shirt, rainbow silk ribbon in my hair and purple stripey-socks with rainbow toes. Taking my shoes off in the office to wiggle them about in gloved dismissal of propriety: Toni the toe-socked. Despite this many-hued enthusiasm I’m fading, longing to retire to home and the sanctity of my tangled sheets. Unmet commitments gnawing at my conscience – promised work not delivered after a weekend of distraction. I hate disappointing someone I respect so much, but I can’t seem to keep my priorities straight right now.
The last few weeks have traced treacherous grounds too close to where I’ve fallen for comfort. The Ouroboros serpent bites its tail yet, and I follow my own trail time and time again. Am I down because I’m not sleeping well? Is the not sleeping hormonal or because I’m down? Should I take the time out to investigate and search for answers, or is all this searching part of the problem and my energies better spent in doing? Still, for the most part I’m buoyant. Just confused. Mismatched signals from my body making me worry it’s tipped off balance again, but I’m reluctant to leap back on the merry-go-round of tinkered medications and blood tests that tell me I’m nothing if not a hypochondriac. Bollocks to that!
This flatness cannot continue forever, this sense of disconnection – detached observer of my self, separated from my physical needs and wants. This academic perspective leaves me feeling hollowed. Yet to sleep, to lift this fatigue of body and mind… this simplest of solutions could raise me up again, if only I could remember how to sleep soundly.