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May. 23rd, 2005 12:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shapeofthingsit's half an hour on the wrong side of midnight. Went to bed at ten after a busy evening finishing off job applications and packing to go into the field. Need to be up bright and early tomorrow: planed to catch and physical work to do.
Nestled under the covers at 10 and had almost drifted off when nerve pain in my neck jolted me awake. Never mind, turned over, relaxed and moved towards that happy unconscious state. Then it started, that growing tension in my abdomen, a sick feeling rising from the pit of my stomach, spreading into my shoulders and neck. Jittery, nervy, anxious. Not a good sign, take a benzo and short my anxiety circuit. No reason to be stressed: all is prepared for the week ahead. Packing is done, paperwork is in order, taxi is booked for the airport run. Nothing to worry about really, so go to sleep! Body not thermoregulating properly, hot-cold-hot-cold, tense muscles tender and achey, stomach churning and brain crawling into dark corners seeking release - so damn tired! Another hour, anxiety worsening; breathing exercises - in, out, in, out, in, out. Pulse still hammering, stomache knotting - this makes no sense! Why am I so stressed?
Get up, give up, time to read and distract and welcome fatigue back to my sleepless body. Tired mind reluctant, reading the news: Schapelle Corby, Phillip Adams, blah blah blah... An hour passes, body temperature starts to stabilise but the stomach still churns. Must sleep - five hours remain for respite before the madness begins; days of driving and sampling, driving, pub dinners and country motel rooms. I never sleep properly while I'm away, but now I cant sleep before I leave. Always a bad sleeper, but worsening with age - this new anxiety eating at me, so unfamiliar. The newness alarms me and perpetuates the trembling, sickening insanity - I must sleep! Eyes closing in longing of release, heavy-headed, low-lidded, concerned. Thinking I must get this seen to - sleep should not be a regular struggle.
A quarter to one *blink* a quarter of one in the morning light, sub-functional. Now again to lay my head and dream of dreaming.
Nestled under the covers at 10 and had almost drifted off when nerve pain in my neck jolted me awake. Never mind, turned over, relaxed and moved towards that happy unconscious state. Then it started, that growing tension in my abdomen, a sick feeling rising from the pit of my stomach, spreading into my shoulders and neck. Jittery, nervy, anxious. Not a good sign, take a benzo and short my anxiety circuit. No reason to be stressed: all is prepared for the week ahead. Packing is done, paperwork is in order, taxi is booked for the airport run. Nothing to worry about really, so go to sleep! Body not thermoregulating properly, hot-cold-hot-cold, tense muscles tender and achey, stomach churning and brain crawling into dark corners seeking release - so damn tired! Another hour, anxiety worsening; breathing exercises - in, out, in, out, in, out. Pulse still hammering, stomache knotting - this makes no sense! Why am I so stressed?
Get up, give up, time to read and distract and welcome fatigue back to my sleepless body. Tired mind reluctant, reading the news: Schapelle Corby, Phillip Adams, blah blah blah... An hour passes, body temperature starts to stabilise but the stomach still churns. Must sleep - five hours remain for respite before the madness begins; days of driving and sampling, driving, pub dinners and country motel rooms. I never sleep properly while I'm away, but now I cant sleep before I leave. Always a bad sleeper, but worsening with age - this new anxiety eating at me, so unfamiliar. The newness alarms me and perpetuates the trembling, sickening insanity - I must sleep! Eyes closing in longing of release, heavy-headed, low-lidded, concerned. Thinking I must get this seen to - sleep should not be a regular struggle.
A quarter to one *blink* a quarter of one in the morning light, sub-functional. Now again to lay my head and dream of dreaming.