the quiet revolution

I knew I'd been pushing it, my mind, my body, my spirit. I came home from Melbourne teetering on the brink of total exhaustion, ready to collapse. Yet I did not stop.

More change, more challenges, more rapacious consumption of all life has to offer.

I've started a new job, new office, new career direction, new routine.
I've worked with my careers advisor, mapping what I want to do, where I want to go.
I've sought feedback and constructive criticisms from my previous workplace, deconstructing my ego and learning painful lessons.
I've hiked and danced and moved until my body would do no more.
I've grieved for the loss of the good times Alex and I shared, for the dreams that never came to pass.
I've sought out friends and social engagements, strengthening my little circle.
I've thought about and pondered my relationships, in all their splendid complexities.
I've decided that I am exactly the person I choose to be.

And in the process of doing, learning, choosing and loving I have pushed myself too far. Physical, mental, emotional collapse.

Now it is time to exhale. To retreat a little, fold in on myself, gather up my loose ends and weave them back together.

I need to remember how to rest, how to give myself the time and space I need to process everything I've learned. Reminding myself that taking down time is a need, not an option; that it's ok to let go for a little while. It's so hard when I feel like I'm missing out on moments of living; that opportunities and adventures are passing me by.

I need to love and care for myself.

I can't remember the last time I slept properly.

x